Bessy Friends Reunion

I miss you bessy !!!!
I had fun last night ! the pizza and you and charlz !!!

ACTUALLY I AM NOT OKAY.
I AM STILL NURSING A BROKEN HEART .
A BROKEN MARRIAGE.
A BROKEN NAME .
i WANT TO SEE YOU SMILING . CONTENTED . HEALTHY .
HAPPY . COMFORTABLE .BEAUTIFUL ..
50 NA AKO I HAVE TO DOUBLE MY TIME .
I WILL DO MY BEST FOR YOU . MALAPIT NA .

- PAPA


Okay ... let me breath first ....
( 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10... )

First I thought it was a forwarded quote from a friend .
Second A " life size " drama ...

Then my tears came racing down my cheeks ....
My papa just replied to my text message .
I have lost contact with him for like almost 5 years ...

I just felt happy ...

I know he will go on again through the same myths he had promised us ( me and my kuya ) over and over again .... It should be annoying right ?
to hear those broken promises ... but no ... I missed them ...
And in spite of everything that has happened to our family 20 years ago I do love my father so much and nothing will change that ...

I have shielded his memories from those bad and negative thoughts people tried to inject on my young mind when I was young ... and I felt proud of my self that I have done such things ...

I realized that when you get older or matured ( i'm getting a bit matured i guess )
" Hatred " will just consume most of your energy... and I am so thankful that I did not hated my papa .

I am not on ether's side , to my mama or to my papa .
They have left me and my kuya in the care of my Lola when we're just children... I was barely six years old ... but there is no grief inside of me... well maybe a bit on my mom ... but that has vanished a long time ago when I came to understand her ...

When I was in my teens I have composed a list of the questions that I want to ask to my papa ...making sure that I will not forget to ask them and get answers from him ... but the " what , why , and where " never seemed to come out of my mouth when I saw him on my High School Graduation Day .
It is still crystal clear that he was there standing in front of me and wearing a black polo shirt with a single white strip in the color with matching black tailored pant .
" Did you became a priest or something ? "
That was the spoiler question .

And if he said " Yes " I know I will die from heart attack for it will be the most impossible thing that would happen to him for he despised Celibacy .

I'm really not sure how many brothers and sister I do have right now ... It's still a figure to wonder for .
I just don't have the courage to ask him that , yet .

It was funny when I think of how many kids he got ...
And would line in front of his coffin when he dies ( well we all die eventually )
It will be a magnificent reunion isn't it ?
I would like to see my siblings too ( and I don't want to deprive them of my beauty , bwahahaha ! )

Well ... this is my reply to him ...

" pa , I am doing well ... no need to worry about me ...
I am a grown up lady now , no . not that beautiful for the ugly duckling did not happened on me but I am still your little one who loves the piggyback ride when I was just a handful.
I just want you to take care of yourself because I still want to see you in my fifties .My youngest son , Charles looks like you so much and I want you to meet the little monster in person . I love you . "

One of my favorite sonnet by Elizabeth Barret Browning ....

Is it indeed so? If I lay here dead,
Wouldst thou miss any life in losing mine?
And would the sun for thee more coldly shine
Because of grave-damps falling round my head?
I marvelled, my Belovèd, when I read
Thy thought so in the letter. I am thine--
But . . . so much to thee? Can I pour thy wine
While my hands tremble? Then my soul, instead
Of dreams of death, resumes life's lower range.
Then, love me, Love! Look on me--breathe on me!
As brighter ladies do not count it strange,
For love, to give up acres and degree,
I yield the grave for thy sake, and exchange
My near sweet view of Heaven, for earth with thee!

silent pain ...

Are the golden days to be wasted ?
Of crisp laughter and sweet banter
Of walking in the clouds and painting rainbows
Of running in the rain and catching falling stars ...
When happiness never seemed to cease ...

When once Love worth a million eternity
Now it all seemed to be just a memory ...

When you're heart's as cold as night
When you listen but never seemed to be there at all ...

Those words unspoken
I want to know them all
For I couldn't bear your silent pain.

Why not bring back the laughter that once was there before ?
Bring back the warmth to keep me from shivering ...

Please show me your angel smiles
I beg you to speak words of love again ...
So I will have the courage to pick up the pieces of this broken heart..
To tell you this silent pain
When you embraced me that sad night and cried
And spoke of someone else's name ...

... sui caedere ...

sui caedere

Is it a sweet submission or a bitter judgment of oneself ?
Why would anyone do such pathetic act ?
I have known people with suicidal acts ... including myself .

If you commit suicide to end all the misery and sorrow that you have right now will it really end ?
Of course we will not know what happens next not until the did is done and the crime is committed .

When I think about how the sharp blade digs into your precious skin , the skin that you have put on moisturizers and scrubbed with salt spa's and etc' just to keep it glowing in a healthy way . Think about how the sharp edge slices through your skin ... to gush over your beloved veins and slice you blood platelets into oblivion .... think of how it would hurt ....
Or what about imagine taking pills ... a bottle of sleeping pills prescribed to relax you and fight insomniac and stress . Of how you slowly digest each “ sweet dream “ and how it pulls you deeper into the dark abbeys of nowhere ....
you sank into the sand of numbness ...
swim into the pond of eternity ...


Will your ghost hunt you for doing such cruelty to yourself ?
Or she would feel shame for have become of you and why has your logic reached such insanity ....
Or mock and laugh at you for being so weak ...

When I did it ...
I was thinking that I am just walking in a cliff ... that if I jump my wings will grow and I will be free to fly high and away ....away from everything ....

People will talk , feel pity , grieve for your death ...
But after that you will be forgotten ... only the worms and maggots and roaches will enjoy your decomposing body situated 6 feet below the ground .

And life will continue ... with or without you ...

Hatred ...

reposting : Hatred

Tuesday 4:46 pm
March 27, 2007


I sat there in a cold dark corner.
Shivering... the air conditioner is sipping through my skin...my flesh... my soul...

I know I look miserable, alone... with tears running down my face.

Happiness was there... a few days ago... but sadness is here and will linger forever.

How can a happiness goes away with a blur?

And sorrow lingers forever...

The movie was bad,well not bad in all sense but it was grouse... with bloods and wars and hatred..it was not good at all... but not that bad either... just a lousy film to watch when you're desperate for a good laugh.


I can not help from weeping, my chest hurts so much if I hide them...

There again, I say "I'm so tired..."

And...

"I want to rest,forever..."


A drop of joy... a bucket of sorrow... that is life.
"Life is not fair" I always remember that, I could not forget that...

The battle goes on... they fought knowing they will not win... but they have glory in their hearts, knowing they fought for reasons..they being brave and all for mankind... and me a useless bitch ( sorry for the word-but it's true ).

It's worthless to hate one's self...
It's a pity I felt it.

No, not pity at all... hate.


And I feel pity for them... the more I hate me...

Stars…

You said you will be my star at the break of dawn
You are the star to shine on me
My star that would care and never leave me…

How did you made me believe?
That wishes will come true if I wish upon a shooting star?

How did you made me believe?
That constellation will guide me and will bring me to you…

But when in reality,
I know
I could never reach a star
For they are too far
That I could never own a star
Such as you are…

Men ...

I've conducted a survey ... not really that much important but it matters though ..

I've asked men this question :

" what do you do after a
hot ,
perspiring ,
energy drenching ,
orgasmic ,
satisfying SEX ? "

The answers we're ...

10% = they smoke after .
10% = they sleep after and snore .
15% = they suddenly wakes up and found out that they we're just dreaming about it .
15% = they realized that they we're just fantasizing " daydreaming "
50% = they go home to their wives .

Having fun with Photos !

chickas !!!

Twilight and The Ring

The PIRATES and the PIRATED !!!